Chapter 4: Nomination: September 6, 2008

The 2008 Republican Convention was deadlocked.

John McCain's resignation as Republican presidential candidate on September 1 shocked the world. No one bought the unspecified "health issues" he blamed.

His reputation as a heroic name-rank-and-serial-number POW had been shattered by a widespread email urging "google PW songbird". His resignation came three days after recordings of his Hanoi propaganda broadcasts were released onto the net.

John McCain’s departure reopened a scramble for the GOP nomination among Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Rudy Giuliani, and Ron Paul’s supporters. For four contentious days ballot after ballot resulted in stalemate.

The St. Paul Xcel Energy Center was running ragged. The Republican Convention had already run two days over schedule and there was no end in sight. The Convention’s contract let them bump any other event if need be. If the Center had to cancel tomorrow’s monster truck rally there were going to be mobs of drunk and angry fans.

A flu spread. Hundreds of delegates sprawled in hallways near rest rooms between ballots. Odors of vomit and toilets leaked into the arena.

Many delegates were homeless - evicted from hotels unable to extend their reservations. They double-bunked or tried to sleep on seats or carpet in the convention center.

Particularly pooped were the handful of Republican African-Americans. They put in long hours sitting near the podium to sham diversity for the cameras.

None of the leading Republican candidates – McCain nor Huckabee nor Romney - could cobble together a majority of delegates. The Ron Paulites controlled 5% of the votes and were implacably opposed to compromise. Not even promises of a VP slot shook their faith that Paul would take it all if they outshouted and outwaited their opponents.

Rumors of back-room deals swirled through the convention center: Romney offering Huckabee fifty million to bow out; Karl Rove brokering a Jeb Bush victory; Paul hospitalized for chest pains after a particularly heart-felt Huckabee prayer.

One name began to spread in whispers. A known quantity. An unquestionable patriot and man of action tested and proved by the fires of 9/11 and the herculean tasks of the Iraq War.

Prior to the 48th ballot he was nominated by a delegate from his home state of Wyoming. The Wyoming delegation and a scattering of delegates started to chant, “Cheney! Cheney!” The chant gathered steam and soon the metal catwalks in the convention center ceiling rattled to Cheney’s name. The dam was broken.

Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney was elected by acclamation as the 2008 Republican Presidential candidate.

With his acceptance speech he launched his campaign to the tumultuous and giddy reception of the exhausted delegates.

“Thank you Mr. Chairman, and thank you hardworking Republican delegates [prolonged cheers and demonstration]. Thank you St. Paul and the f… the XCel Energy Center for your hospitality and for not sending us packing days ago [cheers and laughter]. I’ll keep this speech short so the Center can lay down dirt for tomorrow’s monster truck event [cheers].

“I humbly, and with the deepest gratitude, accept the nomination of this convention to be the Republican candidate for President of The United States [pandemonium].

“I am proud to have Senator Joseph Lieberman by my side. He is a stalwart warrior in the war on terror and will make a strong and effective vice president [cheers]. Joe, if you need any tips on doing your job give me a call [laughter].

“I am sorry that President Bush could not be here tonight. I thank you, sir, and pledge to leave to my successor an executive branch that is even stronger than the one I will assume.

“Ladies and gentlemen, these are decisive times in the life of America. On 9/11 our nation was attacked, and we began a long struggle to preserve our freedom and to defend our free way of life. And today, with terrorist lunatics lurking on every side and with our men’s and women’s heroic boots on the ground 6,000 miles away, the history of that struggle is still for us to write.

“Our great nation faces unprecedented dangers and I have proved I am the man to lead it through this hour of peril. I have spent the past eight years fighting tirelessly to keep our children safe and the dreams of our nation alive.

“We face a fight against complacency. In some ways I think the President and I did too good a job since 9/11. We’ve kept this country safe by monitoring the terrorists and breaking up their plans before they could destroy and kill.

“More than seven years after 9/11, the terrorists are still trying desperately to commit acts of violence against innocent Americans. I know. I listened to the terrorists talk to one another; I read their plans; I directed covert actions; I gave orders that saved American lives.

"If the number weren't classified I'd love to tell you how many millions of Americans' lives I saved by stopping the terrorist destruction of one of our major cities."

Cheney paused, narrowed his eyes, and peered out at the silent crowd. He looked back over his shoulder and nodded. A brace of Secret Service agents converged around him.

“I am giving an order to save lives right now. Delegates, please remain in your seats. I ask for quiet and cooperation during these next dangerous moments.”

The crowd murmured uneasily.

Cheney barked. “Order, please! This afternoon my agents discovered, during a routine monitoring of cellular traffic at this convention - monitoring which our Democrat opponents would criminalize – that a cowardly act of terrorism was planned for this evening.

“Roll the footage.”

The giant monitors behind the stage cut from a close-up of Cheney to handheld video of an armored bomb squad tech snipping a red wire on a deadly-looking device. The bomb’s chassis was painted lime green and stenciled “God Hates Fags!” Wires led to a rounded brick of dull white clay labeled in Arabic script. The camera zoomed out to reveal a thicket of pipes and cables in a maintenance closet. The bomb disposal technician gently lifted the bomb from its nest and placed it into the open lid of a waiting robot.  The bomb disposal robot looked like a trashcan with four small rubber wheels.

“This video was taken twenty minutes ago…” The room began to buzz.

“…in this building about twenty feet directly below me.” The crowd began to roar. A few delegates screamed. A handful got up from their seats and started to run for the exits.

Cheney roared commandingly. “I will have ORDER! Remain seated. Let’s show America how Republicans deal with a terrorist threat.”

The crowd started to cheer.

Cheney bellowed, “Delegates, I order you to return to your f… assigned seats and to remain calm.”

The convention hall went silent. The aisles began to clear.

The giant screens continued to show scenes from the bomb removal. The robot trundled down a dim corridor and out into a parking ramp.

Cheney looked up at the screen to his left. “I am informed that this is a live shot of the bomb disposal robot. Amazing f… amazing gizmos. These things cost a bundle but they save us a lot of disability payments and VA costs. And lives.”

The scene cut to a new angle showing a military vehicle that looked like an army-green trash hauler. The robot trundled slowly toward a ramp extending from its back.

“That’s an Explosive Ordinance Containment Vehicle. It will haul the terrorist bomb safely through the city to the nearest Homeland Security Explosives Range. Once the robot is inside the vehicle it will…”

The screen went white and a booming thud hammered the floor of the convention center. The Secret Service agents piled onto Cheney and took him down to the floor.

Lights flickered, dimmed, and died. Delegates shouted and screamed. Some called for calm.

A light went on at the podium. A Secret Service agent shone a flashlight on Cheney's face.

Cheney cupped his hands and yelled, “Delegates! I will have ORDER!”

The crowd went silent. Dim emergency lighting flickered on.

“The danger has passed. The terrorist threat has been neutralized.”

A few in the crowd started to cheer and clap and soon the convention center filled with a rhythmic chant of “USA! USA!”

More lights flickered on around the convention hall.

An agent handed Cheney a bullhorn. He raised his arm and the crowd quickly stilled.

He raised the bullhorn, gave it a look, shook his head. Laughs from the crowd.

He raised it to his mouth and spoke, “Can you hear me?”

“Yes!” Answered the crowd.

Cheney spoke, “Who says we Republicans can’t adapt?”

A few weak laughs.

Cheney’s voice echoed out over the crowd, “I’ve been told that the only casualty was that plucky little gizmo carrying the bomb. I’m going to give that robot a medal.”

The crowd roared.

“As I was saying before that rude interruption – this morning my agents monitoring cellular traffic in this arena discovered the terrorist plot in time to save my life and the life of everyone on this podium. Let’s give a big GOP hand of appreciation to the Secret Service and Homeland Security agents who saved lives here tonight.”

Tumultuous applause and cheers.

“I’d say that was a pretty loud signal from the terrorists that they don’t want Richard Cheney to be President.”

Prolonged demonstration by the delegates. A chant of “Cheney! Cheney!” built and filled the hall.

The PA system kicked back in with a howl. Cheney put down his bullhorn and waved to the crowd.

“If my agents had to wake up a judge to get a wiretap permission slip, the terrorists would have succeeded at striking America’s leadership. Would you trust our opponents to protect America when they are afraid to listen to a terrorist?”

Cheney leaned into the mike and continued. “This outrageous terrorist act signals a new and perilous chapter in America’s post-9/11 War on Terror. Al Qaeda has a new and dangerous terrorist ally – a group we’ve tolerated for too long, a hate-filled group of thugs that has made a practice of dishonoring our fallen troops, of picketing the funerals of heroes who gave their lives to free the people of Iraq from terrorism.”

The crowd hushed.

Cheney lowered his voice, “This homegrown rabble of degenerate cowards calls themselves…” He spat out the words, “Westboro Baptist Church, but I call them the Phelps Gang.”

Angry cries and murmurs.

Cheney shouted, “Since 9/11 I have worked tirelessly to make all Americans aware that terrorists lurk everywhere. Why, even here in this Republican Convention some Phelps traitors sit among us posing as loyal Republican delegates.”

The hall exploded in shouts and cries.

Cheney held up his hand and the crowd hushed. “Every exit of this building is guarded by Homeland Security agents. No one is to leave until we have accounted for all known Phelps sympathizers. I ask you all to remain seated while our agents arrest these pukes and escort them to their cells.”

The crowd buzzed as four groups of blue-blazer-suited agents filed down the aisles and converged on the Kansas and Mississippi delegations. Three men and an older blue-haired woman were taken into custody without a struggle. Two of the men chanted “God hates fags!” as they were shackled and led from their seats. Boos and curses accompanied them as the agents led them quickly up the aisles and out of the hall.

Cheney sneered and spat,”Fuck ‘em.”

That brought down the house. The cheering was intense and prolonged. It swelled and broke into a rhythmic,”Cheney! Cheney!”

None of the television or radio broadcasters had thought to install a profanity tape delay so Cheney’s "Fuck 'em" was broadcast to the world. The first major presidential preference poll taken after the convention gave him a fifty-three percent majority. That was to be the high point of Cheney's polling.

Later that evening the four terrorist suspects were identified. Three were Ron Paul delegates and the blue-haired older woman was a rabidly anti-gay supporter of Mike Huckabee.

Cheney smirked and shook his head and basked in the cheers. When they died down he continued his speech

Over the next week news outlets barely mentioned the balance of candidate Cheney’s acceptance speech, a standard laundry list of Republican political ideals: eternal tax cuts to the deserving, a free Presidential hand to monitor terrorist plotting, expansion of Guantanamo prison, smaller government - this time for sure, dire threats to Iran, copious military spending, a paean to America’s troops, and vigorous vows to push for legal enforcement of selected Biblical injunctions. The speech was sprinkled with his campaign slogan: Trust Me.

The delegates started to respond with yells of, “We trust you!”

Balloons fell. Loadspeakers pumped rock music. Delegates cheered themselves hoarse. As they headed home to recover they savored the events of the week. They had quite a story to tell. They were energized by Cheney’s speech, his expletive, and his humiliation of the terrorists.

Even with Cheney’s blip in the polls and the energizing of their base, Republicans were universally acknowledged to be long-shot underdogs in the 2008 election. After the convention, political pundits opined that despite the drama of their convention the Grand Old Party had killed their slim chance at retaining the Presidency by nominating a divisive and shopworn candidate.

After a post-nomination, post-Phelps-attack surge Cheney’s polling number slumped back into the low 40’s.

The campaign was expensive and ugly.

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